Am I Bipolar?

Lately, it sure seems that way. Ridiculously happy one minute and trying to drink away my sadness the next. Yes, I definitely have a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol. Really with all things that are or could possibly become addictive. Who wouldn't want to avoid my life. It's either really run away or do it in my mind.

I hate 2008! If one more fucking thing goes wrong I might not make it. First Uncle Michael's leg, then Michael's foot and job loss coinciding so wonderfully with Megan's job loss and pregnancy. Uncle Paul's & Jillian's hospitalizations. My grandmother is too old to deal with all of this and I AM NOT READY to lose her. Mom is sick, Scott is sick, I'm sick. It feels like we've been passing this crap around for months now.

The boys, well Sean at least is having so much trouble with school I'm heart broken for him. To see him struggle every day to try to figure things out, to just sit still long enough to get homework done is a torture for everyone involved. I lose it at least once a week and of course beat myself up for the next 2 hrs. He can't help it I can!

Then there's of course the $$. There's just never enough. We were finally making some progress in paying off our stupidity when everyone else in the family needed something. Mom had to go help the Michaels and I had to cut back on hours. My brother and Megan lost their jobs the same day and can't get new ones till she has the baby and his foot clears up so I'm helping them out. I know the $ bit would be a little better if we cut some stuff out but without a few perks I really think I'll sink into a funk I may never get out of.

They've been working on this crown in my mouth for what seems like a year and my hives won't go away. How am I going to find a new job with a swollen face? I never see my husband and I'm not sure I care anymore. I just want him to spend some time with his kids. He works all the time and I get that he's tired but part of it is a martyr thing and I won't help anyone who does that. He asks last night if I mind if he goes hunting for Thanksgiving. Are you kidding me? Can't take a weekend or even 1 whole weekend day off the whole fucking summer to go camping with the boys but Mike asks and it's no problem. I'll have to go off on him in a different post it would take a day and I don't have the time right now.

I just want a little time to myself to think about things and decide what I'm going to do and I just don't see it happening anytime soon. I guess I'll I just stay in my bipolar limbo for now. Cheers!

T.G.I.Sunday!

Even though we have a nursing home visit with the Boy Scouts and then a soccer party I feel like it's a day off. We successfully pulled off our second catering event and what a load off both our minds. After the last one I wasn't sure it was worth the stress level. Especially for Scott. He already works 7 days a week and the actual cooking and of course purchasing and planning of the food is pretty much all on him. I can set up a beautiful affair, keep the dishes filled and clean of course but in the kitchen I'm pretty much a waste of space.

I'm so proud of the fantastic job he did yesterday and of course didn't even tell him so I'll need to correct that as soon as he gets home from work. This was a group of about 75 people with an avg age of 67 so not necessarily easy to please and the only complaint we heard was the plates weren't big enough. People asked for our cards (which were probably still wet!!!) what kinds of catering we specialize in, if we had prices for their real Thanksgiving meals! It's sort of humbling. I never doubted he could make great food, but our style is very Yankee and this is sometimes hard for us to edit the snootyness out. Southern Grandmas asked for the collards recipe of a Jewish boy from Long Island.

I hope we can really make a go of this catering business. We still have lot to learn. Especially, when it comes to how much to make, how many people to hire, and sorts of other paperwork type issues but so far so good. We both love to feed and serve people. To provide them with an experience they'll never forget and food they wish they could duplicate. There is little more satisfying than doing what you love, doing it for yourself, and making a little money in process.

(hey this doesn't really fit on an Angry Moms blog does it?)

Yea!!! Soccer's finally over

Today was the last soccer game of the season and I couldn't be happier. I can't explain it but I just hate the sport. Not the professionals, I don't follow it but I've been known to sit through a game or two, my son's soccer games. I find the whole thing just mind-numbingly boring. Derek's pretty good, he loves it, usually scores a few goals I just can't explain why I hate it so much. I try to get dad to go but he's always working and there I am every Saturday morning screaming and yelling along with everyone else wishing it would end sooner.

Maybe it's because I sucked at it when I was a kid. Some sort of subconscious thing or something. My grandmother swears I'll learn to love it, but I didn't love when she was dragging me to all my uncle's games either. His coach is talking about advanced next season. That means more practice and more games! If he ends up being good I might have to do this for another 8-10 years. I don't think I can do it.

All I know is he's trying basketball this winter and I really, really, really, really hope he likes it better.

What a mess!

When I stared this blog the other day I truly had no intention for those on the mommy site to even see it. That's how novice I am at this stuff. I simply needed to vent. I follow the blogs of others to see what they're thinking, how similar we may or may not be and I suppose out of sheer curiosity. I'm sometimes amazed and stunned by what I read but have never maliciously thought or tried to hurt someone else. I stand by what I wrote, it is how I feel. I however, did not mean it as an indictment of any particular person or the way our club is run. I do feel the opinions of those not conservative are often taken immediately as some sort of insult but whatever I'm the minority and I know that. So, if I hurt anyone's feelings in particular I apologize. I was simply shocked by the vehemence and hatred oozing from people because the "wrong" guy won the election. People called us idiots, said we acted like he was some sort of God, fear the future and want to leave the country, MY COUNTRY.

As for the hypochristian thing...I did not at any point say this was all Christians nor did I say all Christians were the same. I'm well aware of the differences between the many denominations. I spent many years trying to find the right fit. I went to well over 50 different churches, synagogues, temples, halls even a Bahai group so small they met in a living room. I have discovered I simply don't believe any of it. I am a person of science, I believe we have not yet discovered our origins but I believe we will. I believe organized religion is pretty much the root of all evil. One group or another's "God" or dogma has been the cause of more death and destruction over the course of human history than almost everything else combined (leaving out the Black Death of course) and will be the cause of millions upon millions more.

I also fail to understand how people cannot question books that have been edited and rewritten countless times. Biblical history is full of examples of switching which books "made the cut" and which didn't based on the politics of the time. This is not something I've made up it is fact. It's full of great stories with great messages. It is also full of terrifying stories and sad messages.

I also cannot understand how people can possibly believe their religion is right and the millions of others who believe something else are wrong. There are millions of Buddhists, Hindus, Jews, and Muslims and Christians (and those are just the big ones) Somebody is wrong, somebody has to be. Yet, they each believe as fervently as the other.

The biggest problem I have though is this inability of others to understand that I believe what I believe just as strongly as they believe in their God. I should not have to keep that to myself or be afraid of recrimination when I speak out. This assumption I'm somehow lost or incapable of understanding is nonsense. My believing you're deluded does not mean I'm being malicious, just as you're believing I'm going to hell means you want me there. My experience with those people I call hypochristians has not been one to inspire any sort of desire to know their God. From telling my son we're going to hell because we haven't been saved, to saying Halloween is Satan worshipping. If you're one of the people who would say or do that then I did mean you.

Otherwise, these are simply my random thoughts on my experience. I love a great debate but I don't get offended by a difference of opinion. I find it disappointing so many others do. One small fact, 20% of this country now identifies itself as agnostic or atheist. That's more than enough to start speaking out for what we believe.

So here I am blogging...

I've been following other blogs, especially people from my mommy site and simply need somewhere to vent! Hopefully one day I'll get my blog looking nice with pics etc... but for now this will do.

I cannot believe how ridiculous and crazy some people are. One mom is disgusted and wants go back to Canada. Others talk about how stupid people were for voting for Obama. As if this one man has the power to completely change the future of our country. Or there was much difference between him and "Maverick McCain".

Others say God won't bless us, horrible immoral people that we are and if I'm not even trying to be a Christian how dare I tell them how they should be behaving. I've read the Bible, Koran and Torah, the Bible more than once. (who doesn't enjoy historical FICTION!!!!) I'm pretty sure I have the ability to decipher Christ's message. You know, Christ as in Christian? These "hypochristians" as I've chosen to label them, just pick and choose quotes from whatever parts of the book that seem to suit them. I take particular offense to the convenient quoting of the Old Testament, you know that book those Jews wrote that was simply not good enough for them. When Jesus said turn the other cheek he only meant ....I'm gonna go with an eye for an eye. What a big suprise! Abortion is wrong but the death penalty is not. How convenient! Let he who is without sin... Oh wait I get to decide, cool. Blessed are the poor,meek etc... those Democrats are going to raise my taxes and give them to the poor? How dare they! After all every single person on welfare is just having babies to get more money.

Oh, I could go on forever and probably will have at least a million more posts about this particular subject. I wasn't even all that fond of Obama but now I can't tell you how delighted I am to have been a part of the big F U this election sent to the conservative hypochristians in this country.