Am I Bipolar?

Lately, it sure seems that way. Ridiculously happy one minute and trying to drink away my sadness the next. Yes, I definitely have a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol. Really with all things that are or could possibly become addictive. Who wouldn't want to avoid my life. It's either really run away or do it in my mind.

I hate 2008! If one more fucking thing goes wrong I might not make it. First Uncle Michael's leg, then Michael's foot and job loss coinciding so wonderfully with Megan's job loss and pregnancy. Uncle Paul's & Jillian's hospitalizations. My grandmother is too old to deal with all of this and I AM NOT READY to lose her. Mom is sick, Scott is sick, I'm sick. It feels like we've been passing this crap around for months now.

The boys, well Sean at least is having so much trouble with school I'm heart broken for him. To see him struggle every day to try to figure things out, to just sit still long enough to get homework done is a torture for everyone involved. I lose it at least once a week and of course beat myself up for the next 2 hrs. He can't help it I can!

Then there's of course the $$. There's just never enough. We were finally making some progress in paying off our stupidity when everyone else in the family needed something. Mom had to go help the Michaels and I had to cut back on hours. My brother and Megan lost their jobs the same day and can't get new ones till she has the baby and his foot clears up so I'm helping them out. I know the $ bit would be a little better if we cut some stuff out but without a few perks I really think I'll sink into a funk I may never get out of.

They've been working on this crown in my mouth for what seems like a year and my hives won't go away. How am I going to find a new job with a swollen face? I never see my husband and I'm not sure I care anymore. I just want him to spend some time with his kids. He works all the time and I get that he's tired but part of it is a martyr thing and I won't help anyone who does that. He asks last night if I mind if he goes hunting for Thanksgiving. Are you kidding me? Can't take a weekend or even 1 whole weekend day off the whole fucking summer to go camping with the boys but Mike asks and it's no problem. I'll have to go off on him in a different post it would take a day and I don't have the time right now.

I just want a little time to myself to think about things and decide what I'm going to do and I just don't see it happening anytime soon. I guess I'll I just stay in my bipolar limbo for now. Cheers!